The first couple of weeks..............

22 June 2016

I have tried to 'complete one of our furniture packages' ( one of our services we offer our property owners), and needed to drive the short distance from home to Nerja, in order to take photos of the property. I felt awful. My arm hurt, I felt sick, I was cold. the outside temperature was 30 degrees and I knew I had fever. I felt so weak, I just needed to get back home and to bed. I can't remember driving home , and climbed into bed as soon as I arrived. I called Geoff asking him to call our doctor, Dr.Heymans, to ask what might be causing this. After that I went to sleep for about 5 hours which helped slightly.
Unfortunately my family thought this was caused by me not taking my pain killers. I knew that was not the cause, but did not blame them. My track record in taking any type of pills is not good.
My children would confirm that whilst they were still living at home, most 'illnesses' where met with ' drink more water and go to sleep'. No wonder everyone thought I wasn't taking my pills.

23 June 2016

The day later I felt better for most of the day, but by late afternoon I again had a high temperature.
This was all I needed.  I made an appointment for the next morning to see Dr. Heymans again.


27 June 2016

After, researching wig shops, and initially wanting to just cry, when the shop assistant who had the most beautiful hair and only kept looking at herself in the mirror, literally plonked the ugliest wig on my head. It looked like a wet upside down mop. I stared at my head and could not believe how ugly I looked. The sales girl was completed oblivious to me and guess did not notice that I fought hard to fight back the tears. Tears of self pity, tears of anger, tears of complete frustration of being thrown into the situation I clearly had no control over. I left as quickly as I could, I just needed to get out of this shop.
What a difference in the second shop. I met Moses, the most adorable man, he took his time and explained the different options. According to him many 'cancer women' come to him and faced with the decision of what type of wig to go for, some take the opportunity to dramatically change their style. He believes that this is the opportunity to re-assess oneself, re-develop and re-launch. This might sound strange, but he made me feel so good about  myself, to think we were discussing me losing every hair on my body and having to hide under a wig for the next 2 years. I splashed out and ordered two, one shoulder length and one shorter one. Extravagant, but I figured as I won't be having my  hair highlighted for the next 2 years, that would save some pennies

How it all began...........

I am sure this is the same for everyone who is diagnosed, it came as a shock. All my life I have almost been �anal� about gyny check ups, ( which include breast scans and mammography when recommended). The only doctors appointments I made during the last 30 years. I have an aversion to medication, never went to the doctor  and would not even consider taking a paracetamol. I guess the next 2 years ahead, I will be making up for it.

The beginning of hell!

My gyny noticed a lump in my left breast the 31 March 2016 and recommended that I had a mammogram. I tried making an appointment and received  confirmation that they could do it the 13 May, 6 weeks later.
Unfortunately Geoff  ( my husband) and I had booked a holiday in London to see our children Rhea and Jack,  and I wasn�t going to consider cancelling that. The next appointment after that was 25 May, which is when I went.
The day of the mammogram, I had a strange feeling. I had the mammogram, then the doctor asked me to have a scan, followed by an biopsy and then another mammogram. The biopsy was definitely not on my �let�s do this again� list.  Being shot at with a needle into a pretty sensitive area of your breast was not something I expected when I had breakfast only a couple of hours earlier. A lot of unscheduled tests really for a routine mammogram.
I was asked to return 4 days later to pick up the results, which I had to take to my gyny. As I waited for reception to print the invoice, I put the words that stuck out to me in Spanish into Google translate, the words �cancer� came back.

Geoff and I headed straight away to my gynecologist Dr Theresa Saez, who turned out to be my mother Theresa.

From diagnosis to operation where literally 48 hours. The operation  went well, although I have got an infection under my armpit where they removed some lymph nodes. Painful and frustrating. I am wig shopping tomorrow and seeing the oncologist after having had pre chemo tests on Wednesday. Should find out when I will start.

Chemo will last 18 bloody months, every three weeks of poison being pumped into my veins. If the cancer does not kill,  the chemo is highly likely to because of the long lasting after effects. I am not referring to the normal loss of hair ( including your pubes, sickness , tiredness and brain deadness that comes with chemo) . I am one pissed of woman!

I have 3+3+2, hormone negative, fast growing etc. cancer.

People tell me to be positive and that they pray for me. I have now officially banned the words �positive�, �pray� and �god� . I don�t want to hear it. How anyone can be expected to be positive when  I am sitting here, waiting for what feels like a prison sentence at best, a death sentence more like. I feel fine, a bit tired, have been told the cancer is out, yet 5 professionals tell me that I need 18 months of chemo. 
My life as I know it has come to an end. 18 months out of my business, the business I have founded and grown into what it is today, waiting to become a bald freak, lying on the sofa, not even being able to follow the Jeremy Kyle show.  I am mad alright.

I intend to fight this enemy which has invaded me and my life, buy purely with angry aggression, it has entered the wrong body. But for being positive, that is an interesting one?

'I have Breast Cancer'

So this is the first time I am writing a blog! 

Something my kids are familiar with, but not me. Unknown territory!

I guess I better get used to, as I am entering unknown territory all round. I have breast cancer!! I wonder if it feels like this when you first say, 'My name is .... and I am an alcoholic!' Everyone looks at you. Suddenly you have a label. You are no longer the person you were before you said those words: 'I have cancer'.