Meltdown.............

 Last week I had a major ( major to me) breakdown.  I am fine now and looking back on it, I actually find it fascinating. The body and mind are simply fascinating. So what happened? I am actually not sure.

I simply broke down, I cried so much I could not stand, the noises coming from my mouth, even frightened the dogs , who are used to my booming voice. Poor Geoff, he was not prepared for that. Having said that, nor was I.

I noticed the last few days having this overwhelming feeling of not being able to cope. Kyla our daughter is due to go on maternity leave the next couple of weeks, we are short staffed, trying to recruit new people. We are currently training new people. We had the office move and privately sold a couple of apartments in order to buy one new apartment. Christmas was busy, I neglected my healthy diet for a while, or I should say, I ate food and drank alcohol, which I had not been doing for some months, resulting in me feeling more tired. I could not sleep, worrying about work and what will happen when Kyla is off.  Suddenly I was back to where I was prior to having cancer. I was back in the middle of organising life and everything around me.

When you are a control freak, it is so hard to let go.   I had managed to �let go� for the last 7 months and then it all came back. The net result of stressing about everything again, meant that I slipped into a dark hole without actually noticing it.  People always say I am �strong�, well what does that actually mean? I talk louder than others? I struggle to accept failure in everything I do? I have high expectations of myself and others? I feel that I am responsible for me? If I come across a problem I need to solve it? A lot of �I�s. I decided early in life that only you can help yourself and only you can sort your problems, which actually I have been proven wrong of so often. Hard for the people close to me.

Although I think it is more than that. I have always been rebellious. Tell me to go right, chances are I turn left, unless I can been convinced with a sound argument why I should turn right. ( by the way, it is always interesting when Geoff and I drive anywhere together in the car, irrespective of who is driving) An idea springs to mind. �googlebox�, a TV programme where you watch people watching TV. ( I am delighted to say, I saw this once for no more than a couple of minute, but I get the �entertainment factor�) Well if they had this programme based on watching couples inside cars, then Geoff and I would win the global award.

This rebellious streak of mind coppled together with my inbuilt fear of not being in control, fear of failure, resulted in my desire to be successful in business and with it the financial gain I felt I needed to prove I could achieve. Thankfully Geoff has done nothing then support me for over 35 years in this desire. I worked full time since I left school, I raised 3 children ( of course not on my own), I had a career I loved, which took me across Europe to Russia to the States. I loved every minute of it. The stress through was constant. I used to be out of the country from Monday to Friday, with Nannies looking after the children. When I returned Friday night ( providing I did not miss my flight because a meeting overran), work continued. Running the household, organising the children and all the activities that went with it, prepping for the next week to leave either Sunday night or Monday morning for the rest of the week, was stressful. But, I needed to do it, I needed to know that I could stand on my own two feet. God knows why. Why could I not be like so many women I knew, staying at home, having coffee mornings with other mothers, having lunches, children�s birthday parties and waiting for my husband pay check, so I can go shopping. An extreme view, I know, and no doubt any �stay at home� parent is likely to shoot me down and say that �raising children is much harder than working�. I am not disputing this. I am just saying, why could I not be like that. Instead, I was chasing money, promotion, status and the �platinum British Airways Executive card� .

So here is the price I pay, I brought this cancer on myself. I thought I was indestructible. I tackled my cancer diagnosis like I tackled live, I can do this by myself! Well last week, I realised I could not. A couple of days, of the darkest hour, worse than when I was first diagnosed, which is strange, but  I have come out on the other side. Geoff spent hours listening to me and we talked and talked. British Telecom was right �it�s good to talk�, but hard to do.  I realise now, that I was bottling up all my emotions and just dealt with the task ahead as if it was another project. How wrong I was.

But, isn�t life truly amazing. Last week I wanted to die. Imagine even admitting to that. I could see no light, thought I was wasting my time trying to cleverer then the doctors I have met. ( who as we know all want to push me down the chemo trail) I thought my family would eventually be better off without me, so they would not need to stress about me anymore.  How na�ve of me. How stupid and short sighted. Interesting how logic fails when one feels desperate. The mind is so powerful. I can see, how people fall into depression and struggle to get out.  Anyone reading this, no, �happy pills� is not the answer. Talking, self-analysis and then a plan of action works wonders.

Anyway, I have picked myself up, dried the ( what now seem silly) tears and have given myself a kick up the backside.  I feel fine now. Going to feed my chickens now!