I didn't see this coming................

On Friday morning the pathologist called me, which I was expecting. However, I did not expect to hear ' it's bad news. It�s cancer' ....

She then proceeded to send me the report, which states ' cancer in lymph gland on left, following breast cancer on left' .

The first thing I did, was to call Geoff, who came home immediately. After that I called  the 'scan centre' in Malaga. ( I am sure there is a better description for that place, but who cares). I booked myself a CT scan (again not sure if that is the scan I need, but it�s a start) 

Even though I am against toxic scans, I thought �now is the time� to do it. I need to find out if it has spread, which right now I have a feeling it has. Lymph glands tend to be a kind of gateway for things like this.

I called Dr Heymans surgery to ask him for a recommendation for a surgeon, but I was asked to come in and see the doctor, which I can understand. My appointment with him was awful. No empathy, no compassion, not an expression, he just explained what a CT scan was, ( which I had already booked myself by that time) . When he read through  my file, he confirmed that he last scanned under my left arm in June 2016 where he told me that I had an infection following the operation. Geoff and I left, both feeling even lower, and wondering what the last 5 minutes had been all about. ( this is how long the appointment lasted) Whilst at this stage money really is not important, but the appointment cost us �10 per minute.

I called our kids in the UK and tried to explain what happened, that after having thought that I was �fine� ( which had been confirmed by blood tests and previous scans), I actually wasn�t.  I then called my parents and we all met at Kyla and Dan�s home. I wanted to discuss the ifs and buts with my family and hopefully have their support. I am blessed with the most amazing family, who do just that.

After our family meeting Geoff and I headed into Malaga to for the CT scan. Whilst many probably don�t understand my fear of �toxic� scans, I knew that I needed to have it. After being handed two large glasses of some kind of toxic water concoction, I was then called into the room where the scanning machine was. A friendly nurse, in fact I did not expect it, a lovely  nurse, explained that I was going to have a drip on my arm, where they would inject ( in my words) the toxic liquid, whilst lying down and being moved back and forth underneath the scanner. The entire thing lasted 5 minutes, after which I got dressed, paid and picked up a disc, whilst being told that the results would be ready to pick up on Tuesday. In two days, that was two days ago.

Back home, I made the big mistake of inserting the disc in my lap top to have a look. I was aware that I had no idea what I was looking at, but figured that I had nothing to lose and might as well try. Waiting 4 days to find out if my body is riddled with cancer or not, is tough. I feel like waiting for your execution. I now wish I had not inserted the CD. My logic was that as I knew I had cancer under my arm, then I just needed to lock for the same �sign� in the rest of the body. Well, where my cancer is located, I saw a black spot, and then lots and lots more around my stomach area. I wish I had not looked at the CD now. Am I right or am I wrong? I won�t know until Tuesday.

The last 48 hours feel like 48 years. I have been racking my brain, Why? Why me? Why now? How bad is it? How long has this been growing in me for?  I have done a lot of thinking, looking back over the last year, talking, crying and more crying.

 Not sure how I feel really. Numb? Mightily pissed off? Angry? Worried?  Very worried?  ...... not sure,  I can't analyse my feelings at the moment.  Actually I am just so upset.

Last June when I had the breast operation, I was told that everything was removed successfully.  Two weeks after the operation I had an infection on the same side as my operation under my arm, both Dr Heymans and my surgeon Dr Molino at the time confirmed that it was an infection which would disappear by itself. For weeks after that under my arm hurt and was numb. I first touched that area in October last year, after I had some feeling back. I could feel a lump, but figured that it was from the infection.  The rest I have already written about. But yesterday something dawned on me, the scan under my arm in February revealed that it was 2.7cm and 4 weeks later 3 cm. Therefore if it has grown 3 mm in 1 month, if this is the average, then it started growing 10 months ago, June 2016.
Is this a strange coincidence? Did this cancer start growing last June, where my Lymph nodes infected (even though I was told there weren�t) ? Was I treating myself as a �recovering cancer patient� instead of a �cancer patient�? Believe me there is a big difference from where I am sitting right now. In addition, what about Herceptin, which I have been having since last August? Has this all been a waste of time? The cancer was there all along?

I have so many questions and doubt I will get the answers. I have had heart and liver scans, all were fine...........so how can this be. Is this a f...up ( polite words fail me right now) from the beginning. Did the surgeon miss half the cancer. What are the chances of cancer growing in the same area where I had the 'infection' , at 3mm per month over 10 months and here I am today?

Today, yesterday, Friday , my world, the world of our family has fallen apart..................

I need to get a grip!