Need to sleep on it..................

Geoff always says, �don�t do anything if you are not balanced, sleep on it�. Whilst no doubt he is 100% correct, sleeping right now is off the agenda.

I am struggling to contain  myself. I am full of anger, and even that is putting it politely.

Putting it into a nutshell, Dr Molino my surgeon last year, did not cut everything out.  I had cancer in one of my lymph nodes. Since last June the cancer under my arm has been growing.  Dr Heymans confirmed it was an �infection�. One hell of an infection if you ask me.

I have had blood test, checking for tumor activity throughout  the year, all of which came back clear. I had scans, all of which were clear. I had Herceptin, which one could argue �contained the cancer� or in my book �might have made it worse�.

I have today found out that the cancer under my arm is contained ( I guess a reason to celebrate) It has not spread. ( Unfortunately I don�t feel so  happy right now). I have found out that I have �something� on my liver, my lung and my other breast, but it is believed not to be cancerous. Is that good news? I guess I should see it as that. I have been advised to �keep an eye on it�. Roger that!

A couple of days ago, I was expecting the worst. I was expecting to hear that the cancer had riddled my body, which it by today�s report it has not. My challenge is believing anything that any doctor now says to me.

A couple of days ago, I was looking through my wardrobe, ready to start throwing out, as I might not wear it or need it again. So surely, today�s news is a reason to celebrate? To celebrate that I have �only�cancer in my lymph node.  Well, I am not celebrating. Does that make me ungrateful? I could be in the same position as Jan�s on, riddled with it. Why am I then feeling resentment, anger, fury, frustration?

I have basically wasted and lost one year of my life ( so far).  Since June 2016 I have been doing whatever was in my power to ensure that I was getting well again, under the false believe, that I was �cancer free�. When really I was not! I have lived under the illusion that all was going well, it was only an infection and all other tests, scans etc were positive. Well that was not the case. I was living in a dream world.

Tomorrow I am driving to the Portuguese boarder to meet another doctor, who actually comes highly recommended. I am looking forward to meeting him.
Today�s surgeon, wants me to have the operation next Monday. ( the cynic in me thinks, �of course she is pushing for an operation, she will earn �5000. Surely a surgeon who is paid to cut out, will always push to �cut�) But, I am not keen on knowing that I will end up with Lymphedema for the rest of my life, if I agree to the operation.

I will know more, or should I say will have heard another opinion by tomorrow night, after that I will decide what to do.  Geoff is rightly telling me to �let it go�, but I can�t help thinking that Dr Molino should have known, could have known and is likely to do it again with other desperate cancer patients���

No doubt he sleeps well at night.