Nerves of steel..........

.���..is what I need, is what my family need right now.

In true Spanish style the results / report was emailed to me 1 hour ago. Against Geoff�s advice, I tried to read it. I would add that my Spanish on a day to day, working basis is just fine, but when it comes to reading a report from a CT scan, that is another issue on another level. ( Laura Cooper! This has become one of my favourite expressions and so appropriate right now!) Let's face it, we are actually talking life or death here, therefore it is critical that I actually know and understand what the report is saying. 

So,  ( Never start a sentence with 'so', but hey, right now, who cares) I  typed every word into �google translate�, with the end of result of understanding only a small part. Cancer under my arm is confirmed. My liver is clear, (this actually comes as a huge surprise, as those who know me, will know that my life pre cancer, was focused around good food, great wine and ice cold G&Ts in the summer), it appears I have something on the other breast now and lung if I understand it correctly. ( I never smoked, other then in my teens for 6 months).

My mother has managed just now, to made an appointment with her doctor tomorrow morning and will bring my report to him, in order to get his view.

In the meantime I will try to find a doctor in the �scan centre�, to see if he / she can explain what the report means. ( now I wish I had learned Latin, although not sure that would help, as many of the words once translated come out the same������.. )

I will see the surgeon, who I emailed over the weekend, so see if she can explain the report as well.

My main concern is,  if the cancer is only under my arm, then I will have it cut out. If, however, I have cancer in other parts of my body, i.e. if it has spread, then  I will not agree to an operation, as it will weaken my body further.

I will then shut myself off for some time and treat myself. I can�t wait to ask my oncologist in 3 weeks, what he believes Herceptin should have / might have achieved. All I know after all this time, I have Cancer again!!!!

I am on a warpath, which is better than self pity I guess. It is so easy to fall down this dark black hole of self pity. Driving home earlier, the radio played some songs which I knew back in the 80^th, remembering the great times I have had with Geoff, is enough to turn me into a sobbing wreck.

I have to and will get out of this hole and grab this challenge with both hands and fight the fucker! ( no apologies for swearing at this stage!). Bastard thing!

Thank you also for the hundreds of messages I am receiving. I am sorry if I am not replying to each one, ( usually I just send a �x� -kiss- back) it is not that I don�t want to reply, but I don�t know how to reply, without crying and I figure I have done enough of that for now. When did I turn into such a pathetic weak whimp?! Christ! I am now going into the garden, and will �smell the roses�literally, as Geoff always says. I have missed many years of �smelling the roses�, all because I was a workaholic.   

That will change, once I am back on top!