Nerves of steel..........

.���..is what I need, is what my family need right now.

In true Spanish style the results / report was emailed to me 1 hour ago. Against Geoff�s advice, I tried to read it. I would add that my Spanish on a day to day, working basis is just fine, but when it comes to reading a report from a CT scan, that is another issue on another level. ( Laura Cooper! This has become one of my favourite expressions and so appropriate right now!) Let's face it, we are actually talking life or death here, therefore it is critical that I actually know and understand what the report is saying. 

So,  ( Never start a sentence with 'so', but hey, right now, who cares) I  typed every word into �google translate�, with the end of result of understanding only a small part. Cancer under my arm is confirmed. My liver is clear, (this actually comes as a huge surprise, as those who know me, will know that my life pre cancer, was focused around good food, great wine and ice cold G&Ts in the summer), it appears I have something on the other breast now and lung if I understand it correctly. ( I never smoked, other then in my teens for 6 months).

My mother has managed just now, to made an appointment with her doctor tomorrow morning and will bring my report to him, in order to get his view.

In the meantime I will try to find a doctor in the �scan centre�, to see if he / she can explain what the report means. ( now I wish I had learned Latin, although not sure that would help, as many of the words once translated come out the same������.. )

I will see the surgeon, who I emailed over the weekend, so see if she can explain the report as well.

My main concern is,  if the cancer is only under my arm, then I will have it cut out. If, however, I have cancer in other parts of my body, i.e. if it has spread, then  I will not agree to an operation, as it will weaken my body further.

I will then shut myself off for some time and treat myself. I can�t wait to ask my oncologist in 3 weeks, what he believes Herceptin should have / might have achieved. All I know after all this time, I have Cancer again!!!!

I am on a warpath, which is better than self pity I guess. It is so easy to fall down this dark black hole of self pity. Driving home earlier, the radio played some songs which I knew back in the 80^th, remembering the great times I have had with Geoff, is enough to turn me into a sobbing wreck.

I have to and will get out of this hole and grab this challenge with both hands and fight the fucker! ( no apologies for swearing at this stage!). Bastard thing!

Thank you also for the hundreds of messages I am receiving. I am sorry if I am not replying to each one, ( usually I just send a �x� -kiss- back) it is not that I don�t want to reply, but I don�t know how to reply, without crying and I figure I have done enough of that for now. When did I turn into such a pathetic weak whimp?! Christ! I am now going into the garden, and will �smell the roses�literally, as Geoff always says. I have missed many years of �smelling the roses�, all because I was a workaholic.   

That will change, once I am back on top!

I didn't see this coming................

On Friday morning the pathologist called me, which I was expecting. However, I did not expect to hear ' it's bad news. It�s cancer' ....

She then proceeded to send me the report, which states ' cancer in lymph gland on left, following breast cancer on left' .

The first thing I did, was to call Geoff, who came home immediately. After that I called  the 'scan centre' in Malaga. ( I am sure there is a better description for that place, but who cares). I booked myself a CT scan (again not sure if that is the scan I need, but it�s a start) 

Even though I am against toxic scans, I thought �now is the time� to do it. I need to find out if it has spread, which right now I have a feeling it has. Lymph glands tend to be a kind of gateway for things like this.

I called Dr Heymans surgery to ask him for a recommendation for a surgeon, but I was asked to come in and see the doctor, which I can understand. My appointment with him was awful. No empathy, no compassion, not an expression, he just explained what a CT scan was, ( which I had already booked myself by that time) . When he read through  my file, he confirmed that he last scanned under my left arm in June 2016 where he told me that I had an infection following the operation. Geoff and I left, both feeling even lower, and wondering what the last 5 minutes had been all about. ( this is how long the appointment lasted) Whilst at this stage money really is not important, but the appointment cost us �10 per minute.

I called our kids in the UK and tried to explain what happened, that after having thought that I was �fine� ( which had been confirmed by blood tests and previous scans), I actually wasn�t.  I then called my parents and we all met at Kyla and Dan�s home. I wanted to discuss the ifs and buts with my family and hopefully have their support. I am blessed with the most amazing family, who do just that.

After our family meeting Geoff and I headed into Malaga to for the CT scan. Whilst many probably don�t understand my fear of �toxic� scans, I knew that I needed to have it. After being handed two large glasses of some kind of toxic water concoction, I was then called into the room where the scanning machine was. A friendly nurse, in fact I did not expect it, a lovely  nurse, explained that I was going to have a drip on my arm, where they would inject ( in my words) the toxic liquid, whilst lying down and being moved back and forth underneath the scanner. The entire thing lasted 5 minutes, after which I got dressed, paid and picked up a disc, whilst being told that the results would be ready to pick up on Tuesday. In two days, that was two days ago.

Back home, I made the big mistake of inserting the disc in my lap top to have a look. I was aware that I had no idea what I was looking at, but figured that I had nothing to lose and might as well try. Waiting 4 days to find out if my body is riddled with cancer or not, is tough. I feel like waiting for your execution. I now wish I had not inserted the CD. My logic was that as I knew I had cancer under my arm, then I just needed to lock for the same �sign� in the rest of the body. Well, where my cancer is located, I saw a black spot, and then lots and lots more around my stomach area. I wish I had not looked at the CD now. Am I right or am I wrong? I won�t know until Tuesday.

The last 48 hours feel like 48 years. I have been racking my brain, Why? Why me? Why now? How bad is it? How long has this been growing in me for?  I have done a lot of thinking, looking back over the last year, talking, crying and more crying.

 Not sure how I feel really. Numb? Mightily pissed off? Angry? Worried?  Very worried?  ...... not sure,  I can't analyse my feelings at the moment.  Actually I am just so upset.

Last June when I had the breast operation, I was told that everything was removed successfully.  Two weeks after the operation I had an infection on the same side as my operation under my arm, both Dr Heymans and my surgeon Dr Molino at the time confirmed that it was an infection which would disappear by itself. For weeks after that under my arm hurt and was numb. I first touched that area in October last year, after I had some feeling back. I could feel a lump, but figured that it was from the infection.  The rest I have already written about. But yesterday something dawned on me, the scan under my arm in February revealed that it was 2.7cm and 4 weeks later 3 cm. Therefore if it has grown 3 mm in 1 month, if this is the average, then it started growing 10 months ago, June 2016.
Is this a strange coincidence? Did this cancer start growing last June, where my Lymph nodes infected (even though I was told there weren�t) ? Was I treating myself as a �recovering cancer patient� instead of a �cancer patient�? Believe me there is a big difference from where I am sitting right now. In addition, what about Herceptin, which I have been having since last August? Has this all been a waste of time? The cancer was there all along?

I have so many questions and doubt I will get the answers. I have had heart and liver scans, all were fine...........so how can this be. Is this a f...up ( polite words fail me right now) from the beginning. Did the surgeon miss half the cancer. What are the chances of cancer growing in the same area where I had the 'infection' , at 3mm per month over 10 months and here I am today?

Today, yesterday, Friday , my world, the world of our family has fallen apart..................

I need to get a grip!

Whimp............

That is how I felt about myself today. 

The place where the biopsy was carried out, felt like a busy market place or school play ground. Finding it was one thing, no parking anywhere and I walked for what felt like a very long time (only 20 min) to find it. On entering I was taken back by the noise of the 50 or more-people waiting in the entrance hall. It felt chaotic. A small reception, wide enough for one person to be served, which was used by three to four people at a time. People filling in their medical questionnaires, people paying their bills, others making appointments and me, trying to make myself seen and heard (something I normally don�t have a problem with).
Even after all these years of living here, I still struggle to understand the Spanish mentality. Everyone talks to everyone, asking each other about their aches and pains and giving each other advise. Normally I would find it entertaining, today, I wound me up.

When my name was eventually called ( it felt like a life time, but was actually no more than 15 min), I was sent down into the basement and was met by a friendly lady, who introduced herself as the pathologist.

I had to lie down on my side, and felt the first needle which was meant to be a local anaesthetic, but what I was not prepared for was the horrendous paid when the long needle was �stabbed� into my armpit, twice. So much for the anaesthetic working.

It hurt that much, I was in tears and told the pathologist to stop. No more! I don�t know if she had planned to have a third go or not, but I was not going to let that happen. I did not expect this to hurt that much.

The biopsy I had nearly a year ago in my breast, was nothing compared to this pain. Once I was dressed again, I am not proud to say, that I headed for the nearest toilet and burst into tears again.  Pain, frustration, anger, fear all together in one big sob / sobs. After a view minutes, I gave myself a mental �kick up the backside�, put on my lipstick (don�t feel dressed without it), bearing in mind that my mascara was looking worse for wear.

Whatever was the matter with me. 10 months on, one breast operation, lymph node infection, chemotherapy, going bald as a coot / baby�s bum, countless Herceptin sessions, and today was the day, I broke down in tears.

I think I am just fed up, this unwelcome  egg sized lump under the arm, is / was not on my �obstacles I needed to overcome list�.  I am angry for feeling that I have �giving in� to a biopsy, something I wanted to avoid on all counts. But as it has grown, I know it was the sensible way to go���..
I left, with a sore arm, sore armpit and sore breast��.great, just in time for Herceptin, after which the other arm hurt, due to more �needle poking�. So here I am, with two sore arms and I can�t even have a glass of wine, instead I opened a packet of chocolate biscuits and am not feeling guilty about the �sod it� attitude I seem to have tonight.

Tomorrow will be another day, and on Friday, the day after tomorrow, I should know, if all this today was for nothing or if they find that I have cancer or god knows what. I am not thinking about it, until I know more. Back to work tomorrow !

I would add that it was a lovely surprise for Kyla to come up with baby Aiy�la, who really is just a dream baby. She never cries and is so content and a cuddle with her, made it all feel so much better!

the hardest decision in life...............

I can�t imagine it! There is so much I want to write about.  I will  start with the �medical system� in Spain and UK.  I don�t want anyone thinking that I believe �the grass is greener on the other side�, i.e. the health care in the UK might be better than Spain, or Germany might be better than the UK �etc.

What I heard from a dear friend of mine who I have known here in Spain for 16 years, shocked me. He flew back home ( Liverpool) a couple of weeks ago and was taken ill  / collapsed on the plane. He was brought straight to hospital in Liverpool by ambulance and  was then left for 12 hours on a chair. The medical staff admitted later, that they had �forgotten�about him. He was too weak at the time to get up and look for someone and spent the night slumped in a chair in the corridor. Once they had the following day successfully admitted him and given him a  room / bed ( shared with one other person), he told me that he had used the bedpan, which was given to him. When his �neighbour� in the bed next to him needed to �go�, who was also too weak to get out of bed, they both called for a nurse to bring another bed pan, but nobody came. The called for some time and in the end as the other man was desperate, my friend shared his ( half full bed pan) with his neighbour. Whilst the story of how he managed to get it over to this neighbour without spilling the content and his neighbour  then filling it up to the brim , trying to put it down afterwards, was quite funny as he told the story, it actually is pretty shocking ! His words : ' I had seen conditions like this on TV, but did not believe that this actually happens. The corridors were full of people brought in by ambulances, waiting for rooms they did not have. It looked like a war zone.' 

Closer to home here in Spain, I went to the hospital yesterday for the scheduled blood tests, heart scan ( to see if Herceptin has damaged my heart yet, as it is one of the side effects), scan under my arm to check if the lump has grown and if it had, a biopsy. All went well with the blood test and the heart scan. When I turned up for the scan under my arm  I was told that I had to wait for 2 hours, as they had made a mistake with the appointment. Needless to say I did not accept that and ended up having it after an hour of waiting. It was confirmed that the lump has grown and is now 3 cm long. They suggested a biopsy, but could not carry it out yesterday, as the doctor was not there. Classic, I therefore know no more today, then I did a couple of days ago.

Tomorrow is my Herceptin day ( again sadly) and the biopsy is now scheduled for 11.00am before I go over to the other hospital. I could think of plenty of other things to be doing then that, but think that as it has grown, I should find out what the hell this is. Who knows how much further it is likely to grow.

I want it gone! Well firstly I need to find out what is causing it and if it is dangerous. I still don�t believe that it could be a cancerous lump, but we will see. I hope it is not cancerous, as the biopsy is likely to spread it, particularly as it is in my lymph glands.

But, hey, how lucky am I. I have nothing to complain about really.  My cancer was apparently cut out, my hair has started to move in the wind. ( what a wonderful feeling) and no doubt I will find out what this lump is all about and will then deal with it. How I don�t know yet, but let�s see what it is first.

This brings me to what must be a parent�s road to hell, the hardest decision in life.

Jan, who I have been writing about in the past, whose son has bone marrow cancer.  For the last 10 months he has been having chemotherapy, two tumors were removed and everyone was positive that this awful ordeal was nearing the end. The last chemo session was in sight and the family was even thinking of a well-deserved family holiday. Last week, he had a PET scan to check that all was ok. Well it was far from it. The oncologists confirmed that he had metastasis and that the cancer has spread to 9 different parts of the body.  A complete shock! Totally unexpected! The doctors were scratching their heads and told Jan that they needed to pass this case to Barcelona where a meeting would be held to discuss further chemo.

As a parent, what do you do? 10 months of chemo seemed to have made it worse. Two tumors ( now removed) turned into 9 other parts of the body. Clearly chemo has not managed to kill the cancer, but has turned Jan�s son into a weak, cancer patient with a low immune system.

After much deliberation, Jan and his wife have decided to take matters into their own hands. They are not continuing with chemo.

Jan is back on a high dosage of cannabis oil, much higher than I can tolerate, the Budwig diet, Oxygen therapy and many other alternatives, including raw fruit and vegetable smoothies ( I can only recommend that everyone has a �Nutribullet� in their kitchen). It literally takes 1 minute to make the most amazing healthy smoothies.

A difficult, impossible decision really to make on behalf of your child. My heart goes out to the family, but I am confident that they will do whatever it takes to kill the cancer, the natural way, as clearly the �official / medical � method has failed.

so much info out there............. and most of it we know about........

Lindsay sent me some interesting reading. ( Thank you Linds), which resulted in me removing our microwave from the kitchen today.

We never used our microwave to cook, but thought it was handy to defrost or reheat something. Well no longer. https://thetruthaboutcancer.com/are-microwaves-safe/

Reading the article below is quite sobering, basically putting into my words, �Microwaves cause cardinogen / cancer�.  

Where would you be without your microwave oven? Aren�t they just a huge time-saver? You can cook a meal in seconds. Even frozen food can be defrosted and ready to eat in a matter of minutes.But have you ever wondered� are microwaves safe? Are there any dangers to using them? How could there be any dangers? If there were, the government would have taken microwave ovens off the market, right? These are the questions we�re going to explore in this article.

Microwave Ovens Use Microwaves � a Form of EMF

As the name suggests, �microwave ovens� use microwaves. These microwaves, which are a form of electromagnetic field (EMF) generated by a magnetron, vibrate at a speed of 2.4 billion times per second. This causes the water molecules in the food to resonate at very high frequencies and generate heat.
Conventional heating of food is a different, much more gentler process altogether. Heat is transferred by convection from the outside to the inside.Cooking with microwaves begins in the cells and molecules where water is present. This energy is transformed into frictional heat. These are called thermic effects. Added to this are athermic effects which are not currently measurable but are thought to deform the structures of molecules and have qualitative consequences.

Microwave Ovens Microwave Your Home

Few people realize that when you use a microwave oven, the microwaves do not stay within the confines of the oven.
Microwave ovens have to meet safety standards set by the FDA. These standards �limit the amount of microwaves that can leak from an oven throughout its lifetime to 5 milliwatts (mW) of microwave radiation per square centimeter at approximately 2 inches from the oven surface.� This might sound quite rigorous, but it�s not.
My tests with an EMF meter show that even brand new microwave ovens emit significant levels of microwave energy, otherwise known as radio frequency radiation.
What this means is that when you switch your microwave oven on these EMFs permeate into your home� traveling through walls, ceilings, and you. These EMFs, though being in the non-ionizing range of the EMF spectrum, are not negligible.
In May 2011 the World Health Organization officially classified this type of EMF exposure as a class 2B possible carcinogen.
Added to this, a microwave ovens� cables and motor also give off high magnetic fields, often over 10 milligauss. Exposures of just 4 milligauss have been firmly linked to leukemia. Not surprisingly these magnetic fields have also been categorized as carcinogenic.

Over 70 Years of German and Russian Research Point to Microwave Dangers

Twenty years of Russian research, and German studies dating back to 1942 in Berlin, make a strong case against the safety of microwave cooking.
The Nazis are thought to have invented the first microwave ovens to provide mobile food support to their troops during their invasion of the Soviet Union in World War II. After the war the United States War Department was given the task of researching the safety of microwave ovens. But it�s the Russians who are credited with having performed the most thorough research.
After the war the Russians set about researching the biological effects of microwave ovens. This led to microwave ovens being banned in Russia in 1976. The ban was later lifted during Perestroika to promote free trade with the west.
Their findings led the Russian government to issue an international warning about possible biological and environmental damage associated with the use of microwave ovens and other similar frequency electronic devices such as cell phones. (Note: Do cellphones cause cancer? Find out here.)

Are Microwaves Safe? What the Research Tells Us

The research on microwave ovens reveals the following�

�         Microwaving prepared meats to ensure sanitary ingestion was found to provoke the formation of
d-Nitrosodienthanolamines, a well-known carcinogen.

�         Microwaving milk and cereal grains was found to convert some of their amino acids into carcinogenic substances.

�         Swiss clinical trials have found that microwaving food increases cholesterol levels. It was also found to decrease red and white blood cell counts while decreasing hemoglobin and producing radiolytic compounds.

�         Thawing frozen fruits was found to convert their glucoside and galactoside containing fractions into carcinogens.

�         Even very short exposure of raw, cooked, or frozen vegetables to microwaves was found to convert their plant alkaloids into carcinogens.

�         Russian and Japanese studies have shown how food can lose nearly 60% to 90% of its food value when cooked or heated in a microwave oven. Significant portions of Vitamins B, C, E, and essential minerals have been found to be lost.

�         Food cooked in a microwave oven with a little water can lose up to 97% of its beneficial antioxidants.

�         Another issue with microwave ovens is that many people cook food in plastic and paper containers. Carcinogenic toxins can leach out of this packaging into your food. Studies have shown that chemicals such as polyethylene terpthalate (PET), benzene, toluene, and xylene can leach from the packaging of common microwavable foods such as pizzas, fries, and popcorn.

On another note, I could  not resist posting a photo of Aiy�la�s 6 week �Birthday�. She has finally put on some weight, which has been a long time coming, up to 3.875 KG now. The saga with the hospital continues and having accompanied Kyla earlier this week, I can only describe it as a shambles.  Putting it in a nutshell, Aiy�la still requires the thrombosis injections every morning at 07.00am. ( a challenge in itself, as she is usually asleep then following a 5 or 6 o�clock in the morning feed) Every morning Kyla wakes her up with an injection in her leg. So here is the challenge we are experiencing. The hospital has prescribed the �medicine / content of the injection�, but not the injections themselves.
�Where do we get them from �? � a simple question , or so I thought. After receiving the now well accustomed shoulder shrug  ( which in different situations can be translated into , �no idea�, �I don�t know and I don�t care�, �I am not interested�, �not my aisle�, to �why are you asking me�? The latter I heard the nurse say last week. Lovely touch. We explained that we were asking her, as she had prescribed the medicine and maybe she could supply us with the actual needles/ syringes. Clearly a silly question. Her answer was the following: �I have no idea. Go to a pharmacy with an old syringe, show it to them, ask them for the reference and then come back to the hospital. Then I will look in our system if we have them�. What can I say.  Off we went to the nearest pharmacy to ask that question, to which we were met with a �yes we have them, no you can�t have them, you need a prescription�. Well we know that, but the hospital can�t prescribe them until you tell us the reference number, which we need to bring back to the hospital, so that they can prescribe them to us�. Cutting a very long story short, after 6 hours ( from the blood test to finally leaving hospital and going to the pharmacy), we asked if we could just buy them, so which the pharmacist said �yes, �1.90 please for 10�.  Yes, we did just buy the dam syringes!!

And we move on.........

Aiy�la is blooming and doing well. Kyla still has to give her an injection against her thrombosis every morning.

I have been working every day, which has given me very little time to think about myself. Maybe that is a good thing right now. Whilst I am waiting for my scan ( scheduled for next week) my thoughts and feelings have varied. 

Am I na�ve and stupid for not wanting a biopsy? What if it is cancer? What would I do then? Have Chemo and everything that goes with it? What if it is an infection? Do nothing? Hope it will just go away?

I have been researching a little and then decided to stop and wait until after the scan.

Strangely my symptoms are the same as Menopause or Lymphoma. The two are obviously very different, yet the sypmtoms almost identical.
If it wasn�t such a serious issue, it is almost laughable ������..

I think I have decided to have a biopsy if the lump has increased in size. If it the same size or smaller, I won�t. I am doing lymph drainage every day and Geoff helps me massage it, as apprently if it is as a result of the infection I had last July following my operaton, then gentle massage, might help disolve it.

Let�s see what next Monday brings.

A glimmer of good news..........

..........In fact, I should say, 'great news'. Baby Aiy�la was back in hospital again yesterday, after they acknowledged that indeed she did not look like a 'Mohammed' and that they had issued the incorrect paperwork, but the best news is that her heart is fine. This was confirmed after another heart scan yesterday. We can't ask for better then that.

Kyla my strong daughter, I am so proud of, entered another tiring debate with the awful nurses in the hospital, as they yesterday finally  pulled out some 'baby injections/ syringes', this means with a tiny needle. The last three weeks, Kyla had been given normal syringes and asked to inject Aiy�la every morning, which caused all three, Dan, Kyla and baby great distress. I would not have the nerve to inject an new born with a long needle. She was supplied with 8  baby needles only and when Kyla asked what she was supposed to do after that, ( she is meant to carry on with the injections for 12 weeks) she was met the now accustomed shrug of the shoulder.  No doubt we will revisit this conversation next week.

We are so relieved. I managed to smile again yesterday, even though my Herceptin was not too successful. My veins are giving in. After numerous  unsuccessful attempts on various points on my arm, they settled for my hand. But even there, they had some problems, every few minutes the machine bleeped, as the liquid was not going in how and where it should be. They ended up adjusting the angle of the needle a few times and supporting it with sticky tape. Yes it hurt like hell. Thankfully this ordeal only lasted an hour.

My oncologist is still putting pressure on me to have a biopsy. I don't understand where he is coming from. When I asked him if he thought it was a cancerous lump, he said 'no'. He thought it is an infection. I asked him what would be done if it was an infection, to which he said 'nothing'. So why insist on a biopsy then?? I have agreed to having another scan to see if it has grown or not.

In the meantime I continue to search for 'the cure' and am coming across so much information regarding nutrition. I had no idea that celery ( other then being low on calories) could be that good for you. Sad, I know, I rushed out yesterday and bought heaps! My smoothies are taking on an interesting colour with all the different fruit, veg, spices, nuts etc I am adding. 

specific compounds kills cancer cells