12.7.16
A strange day today, I could not sleep last night and ended up waking up shattered.
Finishing our newly refurbished apartment is therefore a welcome distraction and I so want to get it finished before I become �brain dead�, as I half joke when referring to chemo. After 2 hours in a light shop I managed to select all light fittings for the apartment and dropped them off to the team of painters.
The rest of the day, I spent in Calerdon our little �hide away� in Malaga. I managed to sleep most of the afternoon, which I have never done in my life before. I think the build up to chemo, the stress of what might happen, the delay due to the infection has taken its toll a little.
I feel numb as if I am in a trance, struggling to read and understand any of the work emails piling in. In fact I had not dealt with any.
Having received a call from Jan, who I have been working with for 10 years, he gave me an update on his 13 year old son. I did not have the heart to tell him not to update me. His son who also was identified with cancer the same time as me, had just received his second chemo last weekend and the side effects Jan described, have panicked me. I know that each case is different, but why should I �get away with it�. I have no doubt sitting here now, that I will get them all. Now is this negative thinking? Or am I just preparing myself for what�s likely to head my way, avoiding any surprises that way?
Finishing our newly refurbished apartment is therefore a welcome distraction and I so want to get it finished before I become �brain dead�, as I half joke when referring to chemo. After 2 hours in a light shop I managed to select all light fittings for the apartment and dropped them off to the team of painters.
The rest of the day, I spent in Calerdon our little �hide away� in Malaga. I managed to sleep most of the afternoon, which I have never done in my life before. I think the build up to chemo, the stress of what might happen, the delay due to the infection has taken its toll a little.
I feel numb as if I am in a trance, struggling to read and understand any of the work emails piling in. In fact I had not dealt with any.
Having received a call from Jan, who I have been working with for 10 years, he gave me an update on his 13 year old son. I did not have the heart to tell him not to update me. His son who also was identified with cancer the same time as me, had just received his second chemo last weekend and the side effects Jan described, have panicked me. I know that each case is different, but why should I �get away with it�. I have no doubt sitting here now, that I will get them all. Now is this negative thinking? Or am I just preparing myself for what�s likely to head my way, avoiding any surprises that way?
For the moment, my biggest fear is that they won�t find a vein in my right arm. Historically speaking, most doctors have struggled to find one to take blood. I am worried that if they don�t find a vein, that I will have this �plug� inserted in my chest, which will delay the start of my chemo again and will in that case definitely ensure that I miss Kyla our daughter�s wedding day in September. I am worried that if I need this �plug� I will get an infection and that it needs to be cleaned every 4 weeks. How his is done, I have no idea.
I am just worried about everything ahead of me, dreading it and am trying to put on a brave face. I feel as if I am waiting for an execution and am wondering what people on death row feel like. Having just bought a bottle of water from the nearby small supermarket, I look at people as if I am just onlooking from another planet. It is a beautiful evening, the sun is shining, children are having a great time in the playground and the caf�s and bars are full of people enjoying themselves. I feel strange walking through what are normally such familiar streets.
Geoff is on his way into Malaga and even though initially I wanted to stay by myself, I am glad he is coming.
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